be calm, carry on. · 11.03.03, 10:20pm
at times it is so hard to say what you feel in it’s pure and unadulterated form, to let those meanings slip from the tongue through words and convey all that you want them to. to touch another soul in the right way, at the right time—the rhythm of your words dropping with the sweet cadence of a steady beat.
with some people, the laughs and high notes of affection come with ease, bubbling out from my head and rooted in a certain heart. hugs easily given and received, playful banter tossed to and fro—a natural, comforting and reliable exchange where the the trips or falls result in laughter. this is where annoyance is brief and in the end broadens the flavor of our interactions like salt on watermelon slices.
with others, it is as if my heart becomes disconnected from my brain and i feel as though i need to try too hard, think too long before every word or response. out of some kind of childlike fear i feel the unsteady currents of incertitude, an almost stage-fright during conversation that renders me either too harsh or seemingly indifferent. perhaps it is because i care too much, struggling to perfect my diction to achieve an ease in communication that could only come naturally. or perhaps at times i give up and feel that my struggles will be to no avail, that in the end i may well fail and end up with a bitter misunderstanding. depending, it might be one or the other.
i want to tell my thoughts to lay at ease, let every meaning loose from their tight and stiff muscles and just…relax. they become knotted and jumbled in a mess of thoughts at war with each other—mixed emotions which become so clouded that they begin to seep into my countenance in a way that manifests itself in a startlingly apathetic manner.
be calm, carry on.
i just need to my self be my self and true and honest as often and as naturally as possible. to throw away the uncertainty and forget it, and say what i mean. toss out the fear of rejection or conflict, because in the end they are beyond my control and inevitable. i do not want to regret meanings that were not mine, but words that did not come out right. but even more, i do not want to regret a false impassiveness.
♥tell me ♥
sneak peek · 11.02.17, 9:06am
i like it when the moon sneaks out into the powder blue sky before night falls, like a goodwill gesture to daylight
♥tell me ♥
risks & dreams. · 11.01.26, 11:39pm
Dear Friend,
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
Lately, I have given many a thought to the concept of risk-taking. I am someone who worries a great deal when I don’t know yet what I am doing next, who wants to experience many things, who is oft impatient for the future to come, and who is meticulous in my decision making whenever possible. These are aspects of my personality that I probably do not need to expound upon.
For those who know what I’ve been planning, I’ve certainly been thrown for a loop, n’est-ce pas? I am contemplating taking huge financial and time consuming risks, and yes, I am afraid.
Everything feels so fragile and I want to hold my hopes and dreams tight to my chest in the shelter of my cupped hands so that they cannot fly away too fast, grow up too soon, or be exposed to harm, sicken and die. My dreams are like a small bird who fell from a nest and I am searching for it’s home—a niche, a haven. Or maybe I should be building a new home for it myself, with simplicity and resourcefulness like that of old newspapers and a shoebox with air holes punched through the lid with a ballpoint pen? I want to. I like that rustic simplicity, the calm. It is as though I am a child again, with a secret tucked away in my sock drawer and my pockets heavy with related contraband. (Except I am too naive to realize that my parents do my laundry and check my drawers all the time, smiling to themselves at my guilelessness.)
I want to take time and nurture the growth of this little bird, little dream, that perhaps hatched a little later, matured a little slowly, and at first struggled to be fed. Lend me the patience and the independence to dig through old encyclopedias and library stacks for the slivers of knowledge that will teach me how to raise this little bird and set it free.
But for now I am moving slowly, even as the people around me poke and prod in the drawers of my mind and thoughts to check up on me—to see if I followed all the instructions, took all of their well-intended (and perhaps unsolicited) advice—and whisper to each other what they indiscreetly discovered, as though I cannot hear. I understand the concern, and thank you for letting me try and find my own way, scribble down my notes, and interview the more experienced, even if I fumble as I go.
I hope that my cupped hands are not a cage, that I am not too fearful, too proud to share my secret when it should be shared. I hope that I do not suffocate it with my concern and anxiety as I slowly expose it to new and bigger things, bit by bit.
I am learning…every day my little charge grows stronger, and I am willing to open up my shoebox an inch or two more. Because I know that there will be more pain if I don’t let it go; more suffering, or worse—regret.
I will let it make it make its own way too.
Some day soon I will let it go, tenderly, into the great wide open. When the temperature is right, and the sun can bathe it in a warm embrace without a fate like that of Icarus. To endure the bumps and bruises along it’s path, or the turbulence of uncertainty and questioning winds until it catches an easy breeze and like a parent, I can smile to myself—Oh…it was so natural all along.
Be patient until then. Thank you, my friends.
♥tell me ♥
One of those feel-gooood moments · 10.12.08, 2:57pm
Although the past months at work have been chaotic and crowded with demanding projects, one moment with one individual shines through it all. I received an email from my former coworker Stella, who was referring a senior gentleman by the name of Mr. G_ to our center. She wanted me to meet with him personally in order to tell him more about how to become involved at the center as a volunteer.
I felt rather ambivalent. I had enough to do already, trying to amass another 50 volunteers for our Holiday Luncheon, salvaging what remained of our Senior Green Team, and keeping other ongoing projects afloat. I checked my calendar and wrote in the appointment without giving it much thought.
When the time came for me to meet him, I had nearly forgotten about it all. After calling in sick the previous Friday, I had been spending the entire Monday morning doing damage-control: locating scattered supplies, sending a volunteer group off-site last minute for another project, figuring out whether a project had been completed in my absence, and tracking down paperwork that should have recorded the attendance!
In the midst of it all, I was reminded of my appointment—and knowing how important it was to Stella, I tracked down Mr. G_, who is visually impaired, and asked him if he would like me to take his arm and guide him to my office. Suddenly my volunteer training from the VA Medical Center kicked in, and all of the little details they taught us about guiding the visually impaired I thought I would forget—I remembered.
After sitting him down in a chair inside my office, I was immediately caught in the net of a truly moving and inspiring conversation. Despite his visual impairment, Mr. G_ was determined to live a fulfilling life and battle the onset of depression that seemed imminent after the death of his girlfriend. (For those of you who think all elderly couples have been together for 50 years, you are sadly mistaken. Some of them have only been together for a few years—remarrying after the death of a spouse or etc.)
He had hope and he knew he had something to contribute.
Wisely, he said, ”’To see’ is defined as: ‘to sense, experience, and to discover’ and I think that is really true and that I can still do that, even if I am blind.” He continued to elaborate on how even if he was a senior he didn’t think it was too late to fall in love again. He just wanted the opportunity to socialize and meet people even as he felt more invisible and ignored with each day.
“You know, when you are blind people don’t even treat you like you are a person, they treat you like a child. They take things away from you—they take away your independence and adulthood,” he said. Talking to him nearly brought tears to my eyes. His story was so touching and his words so genuine and heartfelt. For those of you who attended Gatorship, it reminded me of our section on ableism. Too often, all people can see in someone who is differently abled is their “handicap” and I would be lying if I said I was never one of them.
Off my wall of quotes, I read to him something I too often forget: “Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you.” – Helen Keller
The rest of our conversation flew by, and at the end I brought him downstairs to sign up as a member, gave him my business card to contact me when he returned, and felt—for lack of a better phrase—“warm & fuzzy inside.”
I am so grateful to Mr. G_, who reminded me of why I love working with seniors, and why I am serving here for my VISTA year. I still firmly believe that it is never too late to live, to experience all that life has to offer, and take advantage of every moment despite any obstacles or debilitating circumstances—and yes, despite my misgivings, it is never too late to fall in love again. He reminded me of the value that exists in all people and the contributions that one can still make no matter how old you are.
♥tell me ♥
Philly Love-List · 10.04.25, 7:42pm
Just because there have been so many unfortunate things happening to me in the past month—I feel it is time to insert more positivity about my life in Philadelphia. I’m not going into the gritty details here; that would be counterproductive & enough of my friends know about it! I think I handled the bumps pretty well and I tried to keep myself upbeat as much as possible during the ordeal. :)
It is good to think about the quiet small things that make life sweeter. Since I love lists; a list of things I love! Since I love food, a lot of this is food-related. What a surprise! =P
1. My house. Despite all the critters and creaks. :) & my lovely housemates too!
2. Clark Park farmer’s market. It’s even lovelier now that spring has arrived. The Amish florist stand is GORGEOUS.
3. The nice neighbor across the street who let me use her cell phone when I got locked out of my house (wow, the ordeal was so much more painful than it sounds…LONG story). After I got into my house, I bought her a small bouquet of flowers from the Amish florist and left it with a card in thanks.
4. Walking through my neighborhood after spring rain. The air is so crisp, fresh and fragrant, the green so lush and dewy, and the gardens I pass are every changing. As different flowers and trees come into bloom, I can pass the same yard in one week and have it look totally different. <3
5. Apple Cider from the farmer’s market. They’re only offering it for one more week!
6. Milk & Honey Market. A very cute shop just a few blocks from where I live. Local produce, and quality imports too. I had the BEST MILK SHAKE EVER THERE! & they let me try an absolutely wonderful sheep’s milk cheese that was very milky and salty. Called Oro de Sardegna <3 I bought a small bit of it. I didn’t know how bad my food snobbery has gotten until I went through my fridge and realized how much cheese I have: bougie Parmigiano-Reggiano, brie, Oro de Sargegna, provolone slices, fresh mozzarella, and shredded smoked gouda. How do I spoil myself? With cheese. Hey, I mostly drink soy milk now, gimme a break!
7. Fresh Prince Milkshake from Milk&Honey, as mentioned above. Yes, it deserves a line of it’s own. It was a REVELATION, I tell you! Chocolate ice cream, milk (probably local), banana, and best of all…NUTELLA. I had a whole verbal exchange with the guy who made it for me, about how much I love nutella. He gave me a lil extra ;) I wanted to lick the cup when I was done. NOM NOM NOM. I am such a fatty!
8. The hills. Yeah, my muscles don’t love them—but the hills around West Philly PWN my butt when I go running, figuratively & literally. I didn’t make/find the time to go for three weeks because of all the stress I was under (plus I was sick for half that time) but after going again on Saturday morning, I feel delightfully sore. It’s the hills!!!
9. The seniors. Interacting with them is usually the best part of my work day, even if sometimes they are super cranky/demanding. The majority of the time, it is a positive experience.
10. Stairs @ work. Sometimes they’re a pain, but I run around the center so often that I feel like a few days of stairs at work may be the equivalent of going up all 11.5 flights of Century Tower!
11. Tuesday night Glee. While this is not Philadelphia exclusive, this is what I look forward to all day on Tuesdays now. It’s not as awesome as gorging on peanutbutter-chocolate-reeses cookies with Brandon on Wednesdays like before, but it comes pretty close. :)
12. Strawberry Basil Mojito from Devon during Happy Hour. $6.50 cocktails aren’t easy on a VISTA budget, but when it comes with free biscuits fresh from the oven & a delectable fresh sweet better, somehow it feels more worth it. Plus it was a dang good cocktail!
13. I know this makes me sound like an alcoholic, but the discovery of Lindeman’s Framboise lambic = YUM. I dislike beer usually, but this raspberry shiz is AWESOME. Plus I think I am slowly coming around to beer…VERY slowly.
No but seriously ya’ll, I don’t drink that often. Empty calories. :)
14. When the wind causes flower petals to fall around me on the street. The former anime-lover inside me comes out when this happens, especially when the sakura were still in bloom!
15. Smoothies from Reading Terminal Market. I make my own smoothies at home…but somehow it is never the same! It’s hard to describe the smooth fruitalicious essence that are the smoothies Stella & I get from there!
16. Baby bok choy from Dim Sum Garden. I dunno why, but it is so good.
17. Passing by the Jazz shop to and from work on Broad Street. Every time I pass by this one store, they’re always playing the BEST music. So soulful, it almost makes me want to sing and dance—you know, if I were actually good at dancing. =/ It does give me a bounce in my step though!
18. The Random Tea Room – I only went once but dude, it was the BEST. It was like a cute little tea heaven.
19. Food stamps/EBT/ACCESS Card. Whatever you want to call it, they gave me the full amount a single person can get and I eat SO WELL. I don’t like eating out very often because I can get so much good food without using any of my own money, and it is healthier too. I don’t even really budget much when I go grocery shopping because it isn’t necessary. I still look for deals though; it would be bad to break that habit! But every once in a while, I’ll treat myself to stuff I don’t need. Like fancy cheese. :)
♥tell me ♥