"what do you want to be?" · 09.07.01, 1:18am
It is such a difficult question for me to answer because my immediate response to it is unconventional.
Happy.
That is all. I’ve probably discussed this in the past, but this past week while visiting DC/NY/NJ and meeting with pretty much everyone in my paternal extended family—I became acutely aware of how odd my response really is.
At first glance, it seems like a simple enough answer. But simplicity can be deceptive. The most simple things are often achieved through the most complex and complicated ways—and I think this is an issue that will remain with me for the rest of my life.
I am graduating in little more than 5 months, and this looms before me in a most unpleasant way. The questions and concern from family, though well-intentioned, only increased my stress levels. The volumes of unsolicited advice thrown in my direction—many of them in disagreement, are towering and teetering in my mind and I have no idea what to do to reach a balance.
I thought I had it all figured out. At least for the time being. But I haven’t figured anything out at all.
Does it make sense to say I want to be happy, but not know what I want to do? I suppose those two things are not mutually exclusive. But I wish I knew.
That is to say, I wish I knew an answer that would make me happy, as well as make my family happy. That, dear blog, is where the problem lies.
If I could do anything, I would throw everything away and travel—go on my personal adventure, discover my true name, and delight my taste buds.
I don’t want to be one of those people on a track with rigid stops and one solid destination. Isn’t life supposed to be fluid and free, ever changing? Dreams and desires are not constant, and in that Life is similar. This is my belief.
I never thought myself to be a very conventional person, so should not my life course be unconventional as well?
I was always told that I could travel and have fun and do whatever my heart desired, follow my dreams—- after I did what was practical. But I know enough now to disagree. Haven’t I seen plenty of people do what is practical until they don’t even know what their dreams are? Do I want to wait until I am 67 & arthritic to follow my heart? Is it wrong to enjoy my life in my youth? The world may always be out there waiting, but my body will not always be ready to take it on.
Graduation is a step to freedom. To do whatever the hell I want, because I didn’t make any commitments yet. Do I want to weigh it down with expectations, responsibilities, conventionalism—or do what I really want… whatever that may be?
♥tell me ♥
approval? · 09.06.18, 1:21am
“To seek approval is to have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. Approval cannot be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time no matter what our track record has been. It is as nourishing of real growth as cotton candy. Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.” – Rachel Naomi Remen
I realized today how true that is. A lesson that I relearn frequently, but always seem to forget—a cycle that repeats and circles every time I get stressed out, bogged down, negative, and feel guilty about the choices I’ve made—hating myself for being selfish.
I think it would be interesting to conduct a psychological study on siblings. That is, if this particular study has not been done before, as I’m sure there is a lot of research on sibling relationships—or how else did the “middle child syndrome” come to be? I think the dynamics of responsibility, stress levels, and other feelings of pressure related to sibling and other familial relationships should be studied.
I have a feeling that each one of my siblings, myself included, feel a level of pressure. Each of us feel the expectations we carry as being first, middle, or last—is the most intense. There have been many conversations with my brother where I’ve heard “Well, you don’t have to do [insert a lot of stuff] because we do [all that stuff] for you!” and “You have it easy because of [something they had to sacrifice]!”
I’m not denying that I reap many of the benefits that come with being the youngest, but does that mean my own problems should be belittled in comparison? I feel like it is turning into race politics with different minority communities saying “My struggle was worse than yours” and taking away the validity of your experiences.
I appreciate my brother, my sister, my whole family. I really do. Maybe I don’t show my gratitude often enough. I hope in time that I will be able to find a way to show that I am aware of the sacrifices they’ve made for me, and although they neither “approve of” or understand many of the decisions I’ve made—I am trying to make the best choices for myself, to achieve happiness, even if I sometimes lose my peace of mind because of guilt.
It is so true what the quote above says. Approval is often hard to get, and easily taken away. Looking back on many of my past experiences, I see how it can apply.
“Oh you did so well before.”
“You used to be so on top of your game.”
“You used to be everywhere.”
“You were so involved before!”
I would not be surprised to find out that if my name came up in a random conversation between people in the AAPI community at my school, it would be like this:
“Oh, you know, Rachel used to be really involved. But she got burnt out/she’s not around much anymore….”
Why? Because I’ve heard similar said about other people. Sometimes the gossip you hear & say seem so inapplicable to yourself, but the tables can turn more quickly than one might think.
I’m tired of caring about that—approval, and I admit now that I was and maybe still am an approval-seeker. Fleeting though it can be.
I will admit this: I judge. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say I don’t. It’s not like I’m hella racist, but I know I can be critical & blunt, though it is more often out of humor than malice.
But I say now that I will not let myself be intimidated or saddened by the judgments others may pass over me. There are only a few people in my life whose opinions I value—but even then, their values will always be different from mine. Why should I hold myself up to the standards of someone other than myself? In doing that, I will always come up short.
What matters now is, how harshly will I judge myself? What kind of person do I want to become? I want to be happy with the person I come to be. What characteristics about myself do I love?
♥tell me ♥
trust. · 09.06.15, 3:54pm
Someone once told me they met me at a time when they were down and had lost all faith in people, that it was truly a pleasure meeting me.
That time for them is present for me now. I wish I could meet someone who could prove worthy of my newly sparing trust, who could restore my faith in people, in friendship.
♥tell me ♥
when clouds were blue. · 09.06.12, 11:16am
i want to go back to when
the clouds were drawn blue
in a white sky.
when birthdays meant cupcakes in class,
and homework assignments were three sentences long—
with an illustration of stick figures
and orange suns on the side.
when every lesson came with a song,
and along along along we sang
until we would never forget.
i want to go back to when
creativity was praised,
and small achievements were raised high
like stickers on your rainbow sheet,
or laminated stars on the door.
back when grades did not seem to matter
more than parent-teacher conferences,
and you could create a holiday
if you wanted.
with age there came sacrifies,
and before we knew it we gave up recess,
nap time,
and our assigned seats—
thrust into a world where we have to find a seat ourselves—
on crowded bus stops congested with second-hand smoke—
maybe stuffed between two people
who beat you to the windows and aisles—
holding your breath or fighting—
for clear air to breathe.
now no one can pre-plan our lessons,
or ease the pain with simple lyrics to a cheerful song,
and we get more than blue slips for things gone wrong—
and our mother’s signature is no longer needed,
because in real life,
you sign, confirm, and contract
on your own.
♥tell me ♥
classroom etiquette · 09.06.10, 2:18am
I don’t view myself as someone who is particularly stiff in the classroom, or unfailingly perfect in terms of classroom behavior—but there are certain things that one should learn to refrain from doing.
Today in Biological Anthropology, I had the unfortunate luck of sitting behind someone who distracted and annoyed me to no end, and in more than one instance prevented me from completing my notes.
Among the annoying things she did:
+Shake some body part excessively, causing my desk to vibrate. Rare in girls, as boys are more often the leg shakers.
+Stretch backwards, thrusting her elbows and arms into my face and over my work.
+Flip her nasty hair back behind her…and I am not kidding, there was definitely dust/hair that fell onto my notes.
+Coughed without covering her mouth.
(This in particular freaked me out because I volunteered at the hospital today and the last thing I wanted to do was be a vehicle for her diseases.)
ALL occurred MORE THAN ONCE! If not three times each, in the course of an hour.
Other annoying classroom habits:
+Shifting in your seat all the time.
+Wearing pungent perfume or cologne.
+Giggling or talking throughout lecture, wtf mates?!
I feel like in my Statistics class especially there are some ANNOYING people in my lecture. I am so glad that it is canceled W-F this week so I get a break from all the people who put their grody bare feet up on the seats in front of them or giggle like fools through lecture. Usually in Biological Anthropology I don’t have issues with people, but today seriously I was like shifting my desk backwards to avoid the grossness in front of me. WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT?
I was appalled, and I think my professor may have noticed. And perhaps some people sitting next to or behind me.
♥tell me ♥